"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! "You got dem on the wrong feet!"

Q: Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A: The one who can eat the last donut.

She says, "I know. And I'm gonna get boobs too."

Johnny: What's with all the presents? Did we win the lottery or something?

Dad: No Johnny, it's just a special day, just for you.

Johnny: It's not my birthday is it, or Christmas?

Mum: No son, just your day. You can do what you want. Before you decide though we've got one more present for you.

Johnny opens a huge box, inside is a mini- Ferrari, a perfect mini-replica of a real one.

Johnny: Can I go show all my friends this stuff?

Dad: Course you can, it's your special day, you can do what you want...

So Johnny drives off outside and soon sees his mate Tommy.

Tommy: Alright Johnny, what have you got there?

Johnny: A mini Ferrari. I've got an Xbox 360 and all sorts of cool stuff inside. Mom and Dad say it's my special day.

Tommy: You lucky bastard Johnny, I wish I had Leukemia.

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?", the other two inquire

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?" ask the other two..

"Thalidomide. I can't seem to get the damn sleeves right..."

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," he said, "You cain't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last," Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."

The father smiles and says, "well son, thats because I have an erection."

"Fifty dollars!" the Hooker would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton trying to make light of the situation. This ritual continues every time he jogs past the hooker. The Hooker would yell out, "Fifty dollars!" and bill would reply back,
"No, Five dollars!". This became part of his jogging routine.

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! Bill was apprehensive because he knew they would jog past the hooker and the same exchange with the Hooker would occur and he was concerned his wife might wonder if all this time her husband was really jogging every morning. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for his wife.

Sure enough, as they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, the hooker was standing there as usual. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past and waited for the Hooker to yell at him.

Sure enough, the Hooker sees the former President and yells out, "See what you get for five bucks!?"